How I Did It - Blog 28 - Monday 15th May

I listen to Greyhound by Swedish House Mafia. I love them. I try to write again and find another flow to let go of all the things of the day... find a way away from the boring humdrum again. I was pale when I got home. I almost fell asleep to the voices in the Sales meeting talking about Juniper's Simply Connected Story.... not sure how much longer I can take this. I smile as I think about the world I've gotten myself into. I didn't have the one on one review with my boss but I did book a meeting which means abother £65 in my pocket. It felt like old times... I rocked up to the job not knowing what the hell I was doing and blew them out of the water.... 15 meetings, 19 meetings, 18 meetings in the first few months with a target of 12. I shone, I drove, I led. I was the man..... I was coming home every night worried I had lost my dream and I would even cry. Now I don't. I have my goals being written for me and I need this outlet to understand them further. I am ready to do something exciting again, I'm ready to write again and I need the practice here. I got in to work 20mins late after blaming the bus I was on but it was because I was watching Jackass 3.5 on Sky+. I didn't have any fear. Phil Beesley mentioned "what time do you call this?". I smile thinking "the time I can be fucked coming in to this bullshit job". I don't mean it but it makes me happy to think this way and I'm motivated to get on the phones again and sell my little heart out. I e-mail, I text, I call.... I make all the organisational decision I have to make and I castrate Rob Neep a little more for annoying me. He is seen as something he is not.... I know the truth. I carry everyone's ass here. I lead the selling in to our other accounts and I have to report to no one until I start getting told to do so. The pressure is on and its really fucking boring, I don't give a fuck... I want to earn money... I want to be given more than everyone else because I deserve it. I've never fucked anyone over and I've always kept my integrity. I think I am ill though. I found out today that I passed the credit check for the new flat. I'd already organised moving out of this flat before I knew the other one was secure. Plan B was to move all of our possessions into a Big Yellow Storage and live in a double room hostal while looking for another flat... Thank god that didn't happen. I just want to get back on the phone and feel that buzz when I book a meeting and make the money. I want to make a friend out of Eugene Flood and I want Rob Neep to shut the fuck up. I want Will Lugg to be as good as I think he'll be and I want the girl I am interviewing on Wednesday to be what all the Sales guys have wanted for years. A female TM. Hmmm. Mixes things up. I want out... I want out on the road to make money. I want to make more money than everyone here and be on top of my game. I then want to buy all the film equipment I could ever want and make things, then buy all the training I need and the editing package I need although I have something I've never used. I am in IT Sales and think I'm a bit of a technophobe like my mother. I sit on the tube reading about useless bullshit in the Evening Standard thanking the lord I didn't pay for it and I wonder what to do next. I end up playing Klondike on me company Blackberry and thinking about being with Marlene in Portugal. I will book the time off work as soon as I finish typing this thought pad for the day. I practice and I practice in the hope it rubs off and makes me hungry to continue with every other writing project I have in my mind. I have ideas and don't write them down, I have film ideas and don't write them down I have thoughts about stupid situations that would enrich people's lives but I do nothing about them.... I'm arrogant, I'm self obsessed and I'm a freak of nature but I'm also none of those things, I'm a normal human being in London riding the fucking tube to work everyday doing almost nothing worth while and ruining the time I have on the planet. What is the point? What is the goal? What is the meaning in all this chaos? Why is everyone around me a fuck-head? Why are they not nicer? Why are they not good to each other? I am confused. Britain is the most fucked up place I know. No country is quite like it... we are bored out of our minds.... we have no pride, we have no dignity and we have no truth.... we hide, we moan, we complain, we do nothing to make our hearts better.... where are all the good people here? The ant race in London I only know of the bullshitters that believe their own lies. What the fuck is going on here?