How I Did It - Blog 28 - Monday 15th May

I listen to Greyhound by Swedish House Mafia. I love them. I try to write again and find another flow to let go of all the things of the day... find a way away from the boring humdrum again. I was pale when I got home. I almost fell asleep to the voices in the Sales meeting talking about Juniper's Simply Connected Story.... not sure how much longer I can take this. I smile as I think about the world I've gotten myself into. I didn't have the one on one review with my boss but I did book a meeting which means abother £65 in my pocket. It felt like old times... I rocked up to the job not knowing what the hell I was doing and blew them out of the water.... 15 meetings, 19 meetings, 18 meetings in the first few months with a target of 12. I shone, I drove, I led. I was the man..... I was coming home every night worried I had lost my dream and I would even cry. Now I don't. I have my goals being written for me and I need this outlet to understand them further. I am ready to do something exciting again, I'm ready to write again and I need the practice here. I got in to work 20mins late after blaming the bus I was on but it was because I was watching Jackass 3.5 on Sky+. I didn't have any fear. Phil Beesley mentioned "what time do you call this?". I smile thinking "the time I can be fucked coming in to this bullshit job". I don't mean it but it makes me happy to think this way and I'm motivated to get on the phones again and sell my little heart out. I e-mail, I text, I call.... I make all the organisational decision I have to make and I castrate Rob Neep a little more for annoying me. He is seen as something he is not.... I know the truth. I carry everyone's ass here. I lead the selling in to our other accounts and I have to report to no one until I start getting told to do so. The pressure is on and its really fucking boring, I don't give a fuck... I want to earn money... I want to be given more than everyone else because I deserve it. I've never fucked anyone over and I've always kept my integrity. I think I am ill though. I found out today that I passed the credit check for the new flat. I'd already organised moving out of this flat before I knew the other one was secure. Plan B was to move all of our possessions into a Big Yellow Storage and live in a double room hostal while looking for another flat... Thank god that didn't happen. I just want to get back on the phone and feel that buzz when I book a meeting and make the money. I want to make a friend out of Eugene Flood and I want Rob Neep to shut the fuck up. I want Will Lugg to be as good as I think he'll be and I want the girl I am interviewing on Wednesday to be what all the Sales guys have wanted for years. A female TM. Hmmm. Mixes things up. I want out... I want out on the road to make money. I want to make more money than everyone here and be on top of my game. I then want to buy all the film equipment I could ever want and make things, then buy all the training I need and the editing package I need although I have something I've never used. I am in IT Sales and think I'm a bit of a technophobe like my mother. I sit on the tube reading about useless bullshit in the Evening Standard thanking the lord I didn't pay for it and I wonder what to do next. I end up playing Klondike on me company Blackberry and thinking about being with Marlene in Portugal. I will book the time off work as soon as I finish typing this thought pad for the day. I practice and I practice in the hope it rubs off and makes me hungry to continue with every other writing project I have in my mind. I have ideas and don't write them down, I have film ideas and don't write them down I have thoughts about stupid situations that would enrich people's lives but I do nothing about them.... I'm arrogant, I'm self obsessed and I'm a freak of nature but I'm also none of those things, I'm a normal human being in London riding the fucking tube to work everyday doing almost nothing worth while and ruining the time I have on the planet. What is the point? What is the goal? What is the meaning in all this chaos? Why is everyone around me a fuck-head? Why are they not nicer? Why are they not good to each other? I am confused. Britain is the most fucked up place I know. No country is quite like it... we are bored out of our minds.... we have no pride, we have no dignity and we have no truth.... we hide, we moan, we complain, we do nothing to make our hearts better.... where are all the good people here? The ant race in London I only know of the bullshitters that believe their own lies. What the fuck is going on here?

How I Did It - Blog 27 - Sunday 13th May 2012

Keeping this up has taken a back seat... or more acurately its been in a coma for over a year, shot in the head and left for dead at the side of the road... What is going on? I sit blogging thinking about a review I'm going to have with my Sales director. I work for an IT Sales company. Been there for over 11 months... I rose from telemarketer to team leader to overworked blackberry baring member of the London Rat Race. I listen to Swedish House Mafia as I write and it gets me in the right mood. I get on a tube everyday at about 8am and ride for 35mins before getting off near the Gerkin and entering the cheapest building in the Square Mile. I sell ideas to people. Our products are good. Our products are better than everyone else's, our way of doing things will save you money and your emplyees will do their job better meaning you may make more money along the way. We pitch, we speak, we talk, we liaise, we get food, drink and thinking about technology that makes the beating heart of every industry in the UK thrive... we drive the economy, we dig into tales of the future where data will become more common place than paper. In most aspects it already is. I dress it up as sexy, I dress it down as practical, I inspire a team of guys to get on the phone and pretend to think their job is important... or worse that it doesn't hang in a momentary balance of being lost if you don't hit the mark. They love me, I love them as much as I need to, its quite manipulative, I'm not there to be liked but I am, everyone hits their target with me and I am constantly interviewing the freaks of this world either face to face or more recently on the phone so I don't waste any more of my time. I've enjoyed it but lost the will to do the other.... The other is the film making.... I've managed to move flat with some major complications.... I've managed to get a car, although this was given to me by my parents who still subsidise a small part of my life (this annoys me greatly). I haven't managed to pay of any debts, I haven't managed to write any more short films, I haven't managed to engage in any further extra curricular activities to make my dreams happen other than get a job that could earn me in excess of £100K in 5 years time. I've had to learn more than I've ever learned before, I even have to teach and keep the status quo between many departments and people who are far more self important than they should or deserve to be, they're not exactly saving the world or finding the cure to cancer. They are arrogant, single minded and a little treacherous. I fit in well.... I love what I'm doing, I love having the experiences of working like I'm constantly on an episode of the Apprentice... I wear a suit everyday apart from Fridays when its our dress down day. I sell the job and my place in the company to everyone around me. I constantly sell my worth through e-mails and words to everyone around me, I make it known that I am the best for the job and they can see the return on their investment in me. I've gotten back into drinking. I've gotten a team of guys I call friends and the line between being their boss and their friend becomes more and more blurred. I've paid for less drink than I drank by some considerable margin.... expense accounts are signed off, salesmen aren't trusted and everyone takes advantage of the money that flows through the company. £20M turnover per year. The parent company is turning over £100M oer year. I've learnt words like Run-Rate, Telephony and Topology. I understand how a Storage Area Network is virtualised and how it works. I understand things like load-balancing, throughput and latency. I know the difference between redundancy and resiliancy although I mix them up from time to time. I bore family and friends who want to know what I do.... you can see the colour in their faces drain away. I'm a talker, a blagger, a scum-bag only interested in circumventing the drawn out route to riches to pay for an aesthetic materialistic dream rather than the life fulfilling dream I've been yearning for and I'm now at a connundrum. I have the same connundrum every few months and I always end up asking myself whether I want to invest or forget, invest or forget? I always invest but my pay fluctuates a little more than I'd like it to. The plan was to have the solid job and make films around it until I got paid enough to make the films or one of them broke through, if one brakes through then I would be set for life. Set in a high life for the rest of mine and enough time to do it again, and again and again. Set for my childs life, my parents life, my parent in law;s lives and my wive's life. SET FOR LIFE! how much time would you devote to getting that?